Humor

Тема в разделе 'Юмор', создана пользователем Рцы, 3 апр 2014.

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    Clean Fun

    Funny Quotes



    • "I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays."
    ~ Henry Youngman


    • "Making a speech on economics is a bit like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you but never to anyone else."
    ~ Lyndon B Johnson

    • "What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."
    ~ Richard Harkness

    • "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
    ~ Sharon Stone

    • "I've posed in the nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker but I merely looked constipated."
    ~ George Bernard Shaw

    • "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
    ~ Robin Williams

    • "Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of reason with unreason."
    ~ Jack Kroll

    • "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
    ~ Unknown

    • "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less."
    ~ Brendan Francis

    • "The trouble with words is that you never know whose mouths they've been in."
    ~ Dennis Potter

    • "The closest I ever came to a ménage a trois was when I dated a schizophrenic."
    ~ Rita Rudner

    • "I cannot smell mothballs because it's so difficult to get their little legs apart." ^17^
    ~ Steve Martin

    • "Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa."
    ~ Dorothy Parker

    • "Have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?"
    ~ Billy Connolly

    • "In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms."
    ~ Bruce Lansky

    • "Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book."
    ~ Rowan Atkinson

    • "For a long time, I thought coq au vin meant love in a lorry."
    ~ Victoria Wood

    • "In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
    ~ Ellen DeGeneres

    • "All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others."
    ~ Henry Youngman

    • "Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on."
    ~Budd Schulberg


    • "I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle."
    ~ Dan Whitney

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    ненормативная лексика

    Imagine, Traphalgar square, there are a lot of benches. On one bench was sitting a young man, on another bench, infront of him, was sitting an old Lady. And a lot of pigeons were there too. Young man, who doesn't like pigeons said to them: "Fuck off, fucking birds, fuck off!!!" An old lady said to young man: Young man, how could you use such bad words?! You just have to say to them "Shoo-Shoo!" and they will FUCK OFF!"

    Перевод:
    Раскрыть Спойлер
    Представьте, Трафальгарская площадь, на ней много лавочек. На одной из них сидит молодой человек, на другой, прямо напротив него сидит старая дама. Вокруг них очень много голубей. Но молодой человек не любит этих птичек и орет на них: "Пошли нах*й, еб*нные твари, съ*битесь!" На что ему старая дама говорит: "Молодой человек, как вы можете так ругаться на бедных птичек? Вам всего-лишь надо сказать "Кыш-кыш" и они СЪ*БУТЬСЯ!"
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    [​IMG]
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    A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything"...

    After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says, "That'll be $4 please."

    The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him... Awkwardly the monk ask's, "What about my change?"

    "Ah," replies the hot dog vendor, "Change must come from within."
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